I was cleaning up an old email account that has been hacked and came across this email that I sent to Jeff on March 29, 2011. Chelsea, just 6 years old, was hospitalized in an acute psychiatric placement for the second time due to homicidal and suicidal ideations.
I wrote this in 2000 and read it to some close friends of mine who had been through some tough stuff. It seems like yesterday and a decade ago at the same time. I didn’t realize it had been that long…
Sometimes the most horrific wars are not fought on the battlefield. You cannot read about them in a textbook. There are no headlines. No statistics. No Hollywood movies. For it is the inner struggle that is the bloodiest of all. A bleeding soul is often more life threatening than a bloody flesh wound.
We fight one enemy. One disguised as our best friend. She spies, works undercover, fools us, tries to knock us down. We fight battles with our past. Both our harshest friend and our sweetest enemy. We battle every hour of every day. Most of the time, the victor is unclear, for she hides herself within the darkest shadows of our heart. Sometimes our wounds begin to heal in this fight, sometimes they tear open further. Wherever we are in the healing process, the scars of our healing wounds serve as a reflection to remind us of the beauty in our brokenness. Yes, there is beauty in the battles.
We are fighting the most tremendous war. We have engaged in this difficult battle by willingly accepting the honesty and brutality of our past. Most importantly, we have engaged. We are fighters. We are survivors!
We will not back down, no matter how bittersweet it gets, no matter how overwhelming and impossible victory may seem. We will keep on keeping on. We’ll have the strength to rise when we fall, the courage to engage, and the will to win.
As this battle continues we will always be faced with two options: We can turn and retreat; or, we can engage. Together, we will choose to engage. There will be times when moving forward will require a retreat. In those times, we will rest, refuel, and be equipped to engage again. There will be fear, but we have the strength, courage, and will to guide us towards victory.
I trust that Chelsea, Savanna, and Shianne are going to conquer every battle they face…they are fighters. And I trust the year they have been with us has made them strong enough to choose to engage…this is what I am hopeful about. Also, I know the 5 of us WILL be back together, when the time is right 🙂 In the meantime, we will all continue strong in fighting our battles.
I love you & am looking forward to what the future holds for our girls & our family! Kristin
At that time, little did we know our family would dwindle to 3 before we were strong as 5 again…MANY years and battles later…